I am So Sick of Myself

I love international travel. I have been to nearly twenty countries and have never regretted saying yes to the opportunity to pack up, go, and explore a new place.

Being in a different culture, tasting new foods, learning about unfamiliar customs and norms, and experiencing a unique pace of life are welcomed disruptions for me. While I return from each trip, having learned a lot about a country and its people, my biggest growth is much more personal.

I recently spent some time in Spain and Portugal. The group I was traveling with knew that the first day would be the most challenging. Our flight plan required us to be at Airport #1 at 9 am. We flew a couple of hours to Airport #2, where we waited until mid-afternoon, and then we boarded our final eight-hour flight to Madrid. We landed around 7 am local time, but our bodies thought it was midnight. We couldn’t check into our hotel until later in the day, so the morning was filled with trying to stay upright as we walked aimlessly around the city.

Before this trip, I did everything possible to set my body up for success. Days before our departure, I started to adjust my sleep schedule. I intentionally did not sleep a full eight hours the night before we left, and when I woke up, I didn’t drink any caffeine, all with the goal of sleeping on the plane.

Despite my best intentions, I did not sleep. Not for a second. Not one wink.

Upon arrival, our group tried to suspend the deep desire for sleep. Late in the afternoon, I was sitting with a couple of people, and we were talking about how we were doing our best just to keep our eyes open. We all knew a nap would derail the circadian acclamation process. We were saying things like, “If I can just keep moving,” “I have to stay awake until at least 9 pm,” “I am not sure if a shower would make this better or worse,” and then someone said something like, “I am so sick of myself right now.”

There it is, the heartbeat of why I travel.

At home, I can run from myself. I can focus on my phone, tackle my to-do list, and distract myself with meaningless tasks. But when I travel, I can’t hide. For this trip, I decided not to purchase an international phone plan, which meant that during the day, my phone served only as a camera; no “dings” to distract me. There was no to-do list, no trash to take out, no dishes to clean, or laundry to fold. This forced me – as Ram Dass would say – to “be here now.”

I was stuck with myself, but that is the gift that international travel offers.

Looking back on the trip, I can see three specific moments when I, too, was sick of myself.

The first was when I thought something unkind about another person, then when I noticed what felt like an unwarranted negative emotion, and lastly, I said something under my breath that I immediately regretted. In each of these moments, I was disappointed in what was going on internally, and yet I knew these “noticings” were also an opportunity.

I need to point out that no one knew about any of these moments but me. They were all internal and private. I could have brushed them off, swept them under the rug, or blamed them on fatigue, but these experiences allow me to face who I am. I made the conscious choice not to run from my growth.

One of the things that I have learned from high-performing people is that they consistently crave personal growth. Leaders across all industries have an insatiable desire to continue to grow.

However, healthy leaders do not seek perfection. Instead, they embrace moments when they can authentically see who they are – rough edges and all – and then choose a response.

For me, it didn’t matter if anyone else knew about the moments I was wrestling with. I wasn’t waiting for external accountability. Instead, I saw each of these uncomfortable moments – a thought, a feeling, and something I said to myself – as gifts that were given to me. Each was an opportunity to self-reflect and dive deeper. I know that who I am on the inside directly impacts how I show up in the world. To be a healthier human, I have to look within.

I believe two things can co-exist, which means I can be sick of myself and grateful that I am who I am. Travel allows me to experience both of these truths. While there are pieces of me I may feel sick of, I know that acknowledging this fact moves me closer to the person I desire to be.

The next time you feel like you are sick of yourself, I hope you will create the space to pause and reflect because I have witnessed firsthand that this is a skill healthy, high-performing people embrace. It’s not about always getting it right; it’s about welcoming the desire to grow.

I am learning to trust that grace and growth go hand in hand.

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