Buy the Yellow Shirt.

If you opened my closet, you would likely notice two things; First, I own a lot of blue shirts, and second, I have a wide selection of hooded shirts. What can I say, I know what feels comfortable.

There is a store at the mall that I like. While I like their style, what I like the most is the fact that their sizes are sensible. If you wear a medium in one of their shirts, then you wear a medium in all of their shirts. If one pair of pants in size 10 fits, then all the pants in size 10 will fit. Unlike other stores – where I walk into the dressing room with five sizes of one item – they make it simple.

A few weeks ago, while shopping at this store, I found a hooded shirt that I liked. I tried it on, and I felt good about it. The only issue was that the shirt was yellow. Let me clarify, we are talking about a solid shirt with no prints or patterns. Additionally, it was a soft, golden-yellow, not neon yellow!

I walked to the front counter and was greeted by two women who were likely in their 50s. I asked if this hooded shirt came in any other colors. One of them looked it up on the computer and then said, “In the store, we only have yellow, but it does come in navy, and we could order that for you if you’d like.”

I paused for a moment to think about this decision. And then, out of nowhere, I said, “You know what, I think I’ll step out of my comfort zone and get the yellow.” And then both women busted up laughing. One said, “Whoaaaaa! You are living on the edge with this muted golden-yellow solid shirt!” She had a good point; there was nothing outrageous about my purchase.

On the drive home, I began thinking about the difference between feeling uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. I might feel a little uncomfortable in my new yellow shirt, but I will not feel unsafe, and there is an important difference between the two.

In our culture, we often say that the path to growth requires you to get out of your comfort zone. As I look back on my life, I can notice many moments when this was true for me. Growth leads us to a new place, and that newness can feel awkward and uncomfortable. However, as a facilitator, I am also aware that we tend to conflate the feeling of being uncomfortable with the feeling of being unsafe. While I would advise someone to consider embracing what feels uncomfortable, I would not advise them to lean into feeling unsafe. We talk about feeling uncomfortable and feeling unsafe as if they were the same thing, but that simply isn’t the case.

Leaders in all industries need to recognize that there are times when someone will say they don’t want to participate because they feel uncomfortable. However, the truth is they may feel unsafe. Most of us don’t know how to say we feel unsafe.

We as leaders need to trust people when they share that resistance has shown up in their life. We might believe it is our job to help people move through uncomfortable things, but what if we are forcing them into an unsafe space?

Let me share a story. Years ago, in a facilitator training, I was taught that *people who have experienced a high degree of trauma – abuse, kidnapping, held hostage, or tortured, just to name a few – could have an adverse reaction to being blindfolded. I use blindfolds in several of my team-building activities, so I always say – several times – “If for any reason you don’t want to be blindfolded, just let me know, and I can give you another role.”

On two different occasions, while handing out blindfolds, I have had participants look at me with fear on their faces, eyes wide open, while shaking their heads side to side. In those moments, I was so grateful that these individuals trusted themselves and asked for another role.  

For me, it is a high compliment when someone chooses not to participate. It tells me that they trust themselves, and they trust me to keep my word – that I will allow them, without judgment or explanation – to opt-out. I am well aware that I do not have the right to hijack someone else's journey. On the other hand, I have observed facilitators who are offended when someone sets a boundary.  

When a facilitator or leader forces someone to participate or says, “I am going to make you uncomfortable today,” they may be dancing dangerously close to the edge of forcing people to feel unsafe. We have to ask; how can someone be fully present when they are worried about experiencing harm? In fact, there doesn’t even have to be an actual threat, a perceived one will be strong enough to cause someone to shut down and not be present.

Requiring someone to distrust themselves will never lead to psychological safety or a culture of belonging. Healthy leaders encourage people to listen to their own inner voice. They meet people where they are and walk with them at a pace that feels safe to them. Great leaders understand that individuals must first be encouraged to trust themselves before they can be expected to trust others. In contrast, unhealthy leaders allow their egos to take the lead by forcing people to do things that their internal compass is telling them not to do.

Building a high-performing team rooted in psychological safety requires us to begin by allowing individuals to trust themselves.

I am willing to push my comfort zone and wear a muted golden-yellow solid hooded shirt, I am not willing to betray myself by silencing or ignoring my inner voice when it is telling me that something feels unsafe.  

And if you are curious, my yellow shirt looks great with my navy pants …

 *Sidenote, it would be a false correlation to assume that anyone who does not want to be blindfolded has experienced trauma. The truth is, I don’t know the reasons, but I am grateful when individuals are willing to honor and respect their feelings.

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