I Did this to Myself

This was unplanned, a total surprise, yet here I am with no choice but to be in this moment.

It had been weeks of coming and going. I would hit the road for two or three days and then be home for one day, only to turn around and repeat this pattern. I managed the busyness well by staying one step ahead of the chaos. The most challenging thing in this season was trying to eat well. It’s hard to keep produce fresh when I am traveling so much.

I had just returned after being away for two days, and there wasn’t much in my refrigerator. I was going to be gone for the weekend, so it didn’t make sense to go to the store, and yet, I didn’t want to get fast food. As I considered my options, I got excited. I noticed I had some frozen Trader Joe’s fried rice, a couple of frozen vegetables, and some left-over baked mushrooms. I realized that I could create a healthy veggie bowl for dinner.

As I ate, I literally said out loud, “Look at me making a healthy dinner choice during such a busy time.” This, my friends, is called foreshadowing.  

The next few hours were uneventful as I put the finishing touches on a trip that was 24 hours away. When bedtime rolled around, I noticed I was feeling a little off. I can only describe it as feeling anxious. I took a minute and sat down in my favorite recliner to reflect. I asked myself what this feeling was about. I questioned if there was something under the surface that I had not yet named that was leading to my anxiousness. I couldn’t identify anything. I was prepared for my next trip but couldn’t shake this feeling.  

 I went to bed and continued to question why I felt this way. After an hour of restlessness, I decided to use the bathroom. As I walked in, it hit me. You know what I am talking about: that moment when your mouth fills with saliva, you drop to the floor and hug the toilet while realizing that you are about to throw up.

 It came out of nowhere. It was violent. It felt like my body was going through an exorcism.

Tears rolled out of my eyes, snot dripped from my nose, and sweat poured out of my skin. My pajamas were soaking wet, and my dinner was now coming out of my body in every imaginable way. In. Every. Imaginable. Way.

While leaning against the bathtub after round four of my war with the devil, I heard myself mumble, “Why is this happening?” My mind was spinning as I wondered if I needed medical attention, and then it hit me, “Oh no, I did this to myself.”

After some quick math, I realized I didn’t bake those mushrooms before my last road trip; I made them, well, a while ago. And then, round five of the exorcism took hold, and all I could think was that I did this to myself. I chose to prepare and eat a dinner that led to this moment. I wasn’t a victim of someone else’s actions; there was no one to give a one-star review, no negative Yelp comment, and no letter to fire off about a horrible experience.

This is not about me blaming or shaming myself; there is good news in this realization. If I made a choice that created this moment, then in the future, I could make a different choice to create a better moment.

Years ago, Jerry Colonna – a thought leader and terrific human – shared a question that hit me hard. I now paraphrase that question as, “How are you co-creating the conditions in your life that you say you don’t want?”

When I share that question with leaders, individuals, and groups, it is often a painful one to process. I don’t use this question to point fingers, but rather to find agency when we feel powerless.

I should clarify, there are times when this question isn’t appropriate. I wouldn’t ask someone who is experiencing domestic violence how they are co-creating abuse. I wouldn’t ask someone involved in a violent hit-and-run how they co-created this moment. I wouldn’t ask a community that was experiencing systematic oppression how they co-created this cycle. However, I have found incredible freedom in using this question to process the ordinary pain points of our lives.

Also, the word co-create is used intentionally. To create might imply that someone had full ownership, but to co-create acknowledges that many factors are at play.

Recently, I was working with a leader whose team was in turmoil. I like this leader a lot. She is a good human with a great heart, but she goes into survival mode when stressed. There is a clear pattern with her; when she feels overwhelmed, she hides, hoards information, and fails to communicate important details with her team. She becomes like a turtle that has withdrawn into its shell.

As we processed everything going on with her team, I calmly asked, “Are there ways you have co-created this situation?”

Asking the question felt like a big risk.

I watched as she looked at the floor. Slowly, she began to nod her head, and tears filled her eyes. Without looking at me, she began to say that her boss had recently made a decision that would directly affect her team. She didn’t share that information with them out of fear. She knew it would impact them negatively, and she didn’t want them to have to deal with it. As a result, they heard about the decision from someone else, and trust was broken.

I put this question on the table as a way to empower her. If she could identify her role in creating this problem, she could also discover her role in creating a solution.

Her next steps were to meet with her team, name how she had contributed to the problem, and commit to different behaviors moving forward. As we talked through her options, she could see that she wasn’t a victim, had some control, and didn’t have to just survive the tension. Realizing that she had co-created this moment was empowering for her.

That night, as my body did everything possible to undo my poor decision, I was reminded of the power of owning our choices.  If we can co-create a painful moment, we can also co-create positive moments.

Sometimes you need a half-digested mushroom to get lodged in your nose while vomiting at 1 am to be reminded of the power you have.

How are you co-creating the experiences in your life?

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