Maximizing Your Personal Growth Experiences

Earlier this week while recording a podcast and I was asked, “Why do you believe people need to do personal growth in a group? Don’t most people do that alone?”

I love this question. I am a big believer that personal growth in the context of a community is a transformative experience. Working on ourselves while others are present creates two critical opportunities.  

First, in a group, other individuals can serve as mirrors. This happens when we reflect back to someone and allow them to see themselves ­in ways they haven’t before. It’s kind of like being in a dressing room that has mirrors on every wall and thinking, “Is that really what I look like?!” When people serve as mirrors, we get a much more complete picture of who we are.

Secondly, in a group, we get to witness growth in real-time. When our personal growth is done privately – behind closed doors – no one else gets to see the lightbulb moments that drive our transformation. However, when our personal growth is public, others can support us on our journey.

I find these two processes – reflecting and witnessing – to be rare. I am grateful every time I get to serve as a mirror or be a witness to someone else’s growth.

In my final season as a college coach, we had a player whom I can only describe as difficult. She was difficult to coach, difficult to talk to, difficult to be a teammate with, and certainly difficult to engage in a friendship. I had a little patience with her because I could see how her family had shaped her. For nearly two decades they failed to address any of her difficult behaviors. As a result, she navigated her college experience with rough edges exposed. She did damage to everyone around her.

I often found myself thinking, “when is she going to figure this out?” While she wasn’t aware of it, she lived her life with an “I will hurt you before you hurt me” mindset.

One morning, after eight months on campus, she walked into my office and burst into tears. The only words she could get out were, “why does everyone on the team hate me?”

Oh boy. Deep breathe. Here we go.

I shared that I didn’t think everyone hated her, but she had some behaviors that were creating the opposite experience of what she actually wanted. I asked if she would like me to facilitate a conversation with her and a few of her teammates so she could learn how they experience her.

Through a lot of tears, she said yes.

Later that day I met with three of her teammates. I told them about the conversation, and I asked if they would participate in helping their teammate to grow.  

Jaws dropped and eyes widened, but eventually, they all said yes. I told them we had to be honest, we had to help her see herself as she is, and then we had to support her in trying to make changes. Even at a young age, they understood what was at stake.

The next day we all met in my office, and it was magical. For the first time, this player understood that her teammates didn’t hate her. They had been hurt by some of her words and actions and she was able to hear that directly from them. I watched as her teammates helped her understand how she was showing up in the world. They held up mirrors for her and it was received as a gift. Her family had spent years protecting her from these mirrors, but it was the one thing that could set her free.

Her teammates had to say some hard things that day, but they grew too. They were better people for being a part of that process. They got to witness the reality that a teammate was hurting. They saw her humanity and they committed to supporting her as she tried to grow.

I also believe that sometimes when a person is wounded in a community, they may need another community to help them heal. A family that has harmed someone might not be able to help that person heal but a team, a friend group, or work colleagues can. What an honor it is to be the community that helps to repair the harm done by another community. 

We need more leaders who will embrace this approach to personal growth. However, let me be clear, we not only need leaders who will hold up mirrors and witness the growth of those they are leading but we also need leaders who will allow others to do that for them. When leaders choose to participate in this way, they are giving those they are leading permission to do the same.

I believe healthy leaders are willing to participate in personal growth in the context of a community.

Everything about doing personal growth work in a community feels right to me.

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