She Said "No."

My alarm went off at 4:15, and by 6:15, I was seated on a plane and ready to take a nap. It was going to be a long travel day. One of the things I like about living in the Midwest is being able to get almost anywhere in the country in a single day. However, East Coast trips often require a connecting flight and sometimes a long layover. This day would include both.

Around 1:30, I stepped out of my Uber and into a hotel lobby. I was happy to be at my final destination. I knew I was arriving about 90 minutes before the established check-in time, but often, a well-run hotel will work to get you a room right away.

I approached the front desk with a smile on my face and said, “Hi, I know I am a little early, but could you see if you have a room available?”

Vicki slowly looked up and simply said. “No.”

I understand “no” is a complete sentence, but at this moment, it seemed very incomplete. The gears in my brain were spinning as I waited for her to say more.

She finally added, “We are very busy. We have a wedding party checking in today. We need to clean 70 rooms for them, and we are short on staff. I checked a while ago, and no rooms were ready.”

I paused for a minute as I realized my priority should be food. I had a granola bar eight hours ago, and I noticed how hungry I was. I asked if the hotel restaurant was open, and again, without any emotion, she replied, “No.”

I had looked at the hotel’s website before arriving, so I knew they proudly promoted a complimentary shuttle to all local restaurants. I explained that I was hungry and that I would like to take the shuttle to get something to eat.

This time she said, “We don’t have enough staff to have someone to drive the shuttle. I could ask my manager, but the answer will be no.”

I then asked if there were restaurants within walking distance. She was consistent as she offered yet another “No.”

In a last-ditch effort, I mentioned that their website said there was a large grocery store nearby. I asked if it was within walking distance. She became animated as she replied, “Oh no, it would take you a long time to walk there, and you’d have to cross six lanes of traffic. It would be very dangerous for you to do that.”

And then she added, “We would drive you, but we are very busy. You can have a seat, and I will let you know when a room is ready, but it could be a few hours.”

I sat down in the lobby and took a moment to reflect. My hunger was certainly influencing my mood, but I also knew that something about this encounter felt wrong. I made the decision to check my luggage and walk to the grocery store. I knew I would feel better after eating, and I wanted some space to clear my head.

As I walked, I thought about this exchange. I realized what was bothering me the most was how her lack of leadership directly impacted me. There were multiple things that were out of her control, but leadership requires us to put the needs of others first. She spent most of her time telling me about her problems while she had very little time for mine. Sometimes, as leaders, we have to suspend our desire to be heard, but she was not able to do this.

Her decision not to show empathy – while dumping her needs on me – created tension between us. At a bare minimum, she had the opportunity to connect with me by hearing me out. Instead, she one-upped me with her needs.

As a leader, you are going to have your own challenges. However, your followers are not responsible for carrying your burdens. Leaders must have a community of peers who can help them navigate difficult days. It was wrong for Vicki to manipulate me into her personal sounding board.

When we do this to our followers, we fail to validate their experiences. Leaders are not responsible for solving every need that every person brings to them, but they do need to listen and respond with empathy otherwise, we create a relationship that is void of trust.

When I returned from the grocery store, I was dripping in sweat, but the walk was worth it. I stopped at the front desk, where there were now two employees. I asked a young man if he could see if a room was ready.

He asked for my name and quickly replied, “Oh, Ms. Grisham, I see that you are a Gold member. Thank you for being such a loyal and valued guest. We really appreciate your business. Your room is ready. If there is anything you need to make your stay more enjoyable, just call the front desk. My name is Jason, and I’d be more than glad to help you.” His leadership was refreshing.

As I walked past Vicki and made my way to the elevator, she said, without looking up or making eye contact, “At least you got some exercise.” Her words only confirmed my assumption that she lacked empathy.

The world is craving leaders who can listen deeply and connect with those they are leading. In light of that, I resisted the urge to give her a piece of my mind, and I simply said, “I hope things go smoothly for you today. I am sure checking in a large wedding party is stressful.”

For the first time that day, she had no reply. That’s what empathy does; it lets people know you see them, and when this happens, they no longer need to play tug-of-war over who has it worse.

Set down the rope and choose empathy.

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