Leaders: Include Those You'd Rather Leave Out

“He is the problem.” I hear this a lot in conversations with leaders. While assessing what is limiting the progress, success, or growth of a group it seems the quick answer is to single out one person as the Captain of Team Dysfunction. This presents an interesting dilemma because once we have decided that an individual is the root of our problems, we naturally begin to distance ourselves from them.

Let me share a story with you:

I arrived at the corporate office for a session with a marketing firm. This group was under tremendous pressure to deliver on a large project for a major client. If they executed at a high level, they would win a long-term contract. Despite quality work and being ahead of schedule there was tension within the team. The source of that tension? Brad.*

The comments sounded like this: “We all like to work in the open co-working space but Brad always goes into a private office to work alone.” “We eat lunch together, but Brad leaves the office for lunch.” “We all do a Happy Hour together at least once a week but Brad never joins us. We are tired of Brad doing his own thing and not making the group a priority.” Despite the quality of his work, the group had built a consensus that they would be better off without Brad because he wasn’t perceived as a team player.

Truth be told, that was not my experience of him. From my viewpoint he did great work, he added value to the project, and he was a team player.

On that morning, we all gathered in the conference room for our team-building session and you could feel the tension. I began to wonder if this was the day when it would all rise to the surface. I started our session with a check-in by setting foam body parts in the center of the circle. I asked, “What part of your body do you need to rely on this week? Do you need more of your lungs so you can stop and breath? Do you need more of your eyes so you can see something from a new perspective? Do you need to rely on your ears because you want to listen more deeply to what others bring to the project?” I set down about a dozen options and told the group they had complete freedom to apply the examples in a way that made sense to them.

And then it happened; after a moment of silence Brad said, “I need a hand. I need some help, I’m really struggling.” He went on to talk about the unforeseen death in his family, the funeral he would attend that night, and the cancer scare. As he was sharing, I watched the room change right before my eyes. Tense shoulders dropped, angry piercing eyes began to softly gaze towards the floor, and stiff bodies sunk into their chairs. One by one, others began to share their own struggles. Brad, the one they were ready to cut out of the group, had done the unthinkable, he had brought the group together in ways no one could have imagined.

The group had made some harsh assumptions about Brad without fully knowing what he was going through, and they had been attaching uninformed meaning to his behavior. Often, when we don’t have the full story, we unconsciously fill in the gaps, making up a storyline to help us rationalize the behavior we don’t understand and the tension we may be feeling.  When we do this, we create a barrier, a wall between right and wrong, a clear divide between us and them.

In this scenario there may have been a temptation to fire Brad, but sometimes leadership is simply including those we would rather leave out.

In our culture we often celebrate leaders who make bold, brash, and public decisions. We claim that it takes courage to fire someone or to make a significant strategic change. But what if the real courage of a leader resides in the decision to show up, to listen deeply, to move toward and travel the distance between themselves and the other? Could it be that leadership is about being brave enough to continue a journey together?

And what if leaders wrestled with questions like these: I think I know what the problem is but let me pause and ask, what else could it be? Where are my blind spots? What do I not know about this situation? And, in what ways am I a co-conspirator in creating and sustaining the tension and distance I say I don’t want?

Our world is hungry for leaders who are brave enough to walk along the tattered bridge that separates us from those we would prefer to exclude. We need more leaders who understand that the invitation to be a part of something, to join the team, to be on staff, to be included isn’t a one-time thing; it’s an ongoing invitation, and in order to lead well we must be present for our people. That is a brave thing to do. 

The most successful leaders I know genuinely see other people even when there are miles of distance between them. As leaders, we have a responsibility to step towards those we would prefer to leave out. When we show up for others we are reaching out and extending a hand, and that may be the lifeline they’ve been waiting for.

Sometimes leadership is simply including those we would rather leave out.

*Out of respect for the work of my clients, names have been changed.

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