Growing Up Too Fast

I’m guessing that most of us, as children, were told not to rush growing up, to enjoy our childhood, and that being an adult was not that much fun.

I heard those words when the adults around me thought I was trying to grow up too fast.

A few months ago, I found myself in a high-stress situation in my personal life. As the afternoon unfolded, I realized that all the work I had done on myself allowed me to be fully present and not give in to the overwhelming tension of the moment. While those around me were in complete chaos, I remained grounded and steady.

While I was grateful for my personal growth, I quickly realized that the same things that allowed the best of me to emerge—therapy, retreats, group work, and self-reflection—also created a significant gap between myself and those around me. Others in the room had not worked on themselves, which created a lot of tension. In many ways, it felt like they wanted me to revert to my old self and meet them where they were.

I was proud of my progress, but I felt the distance my growth had created. From an emotional awareness standpoint, I was the only adult in the room.

I see this with my clients, too.

When a leader reaches out and asks if I do one-on-one work, my response often surprises them.

I typically only work one-on-one with leaders who are working with me through an ongoing team development process. In other words, I am already regularly working with their team, and they are a part of that development. This means they are growing side-by-side with their team. When leaders like that reach out and request additional growth opportunities, it is always an easy yes.

However, when a leader reaches out and I am not working with their team, the answer is different. Let’s consider a real-life example. I had a phone conversation with a woman we will call Emily. She was the leader of a growing corporation. She said her team was really struggling, and something had to give. She clearly had a growth mindset and asked if I would take her on as a client.

My answer was no. I went on to share that when leaders work on themselves and then return to an unhealthy team, they discover that their growth is often met with frustration. They now have new frameworks and mental models, use new terms, and approach conversations and conflict in new ways.

Because the team has not been a part of their leader's personal growth journey, the leader often becomes exhausted as they try to educate and lift up their team. Often, the leader gets worn down and reverts to old habits that are familiar and acceptable to their team.

When I explained this to Emily, there was a long pause, and then she said, “You know, that makes sense. It’s like a dysfunctional family. The parents may have issues they need to work on, but instead, they send their pre-teen son to boot camp to teach him how to control his emotions. He returns to the family as a totally different person, and while the family wanted a change, they didn’t want to change. To connect with the new version of their son, they, too, would have to change. The unchanged, unhealthy family system forces the son to revert to bad habits, and the family is right back where they started.”

Exactly.

I am all for leaders who want to grow and develop, but if you don’t go through that process with your team, you may discover that you, too, are the only adult in the room.

Through a team development process, you can invest in your people so they can grow with you and are prepared to support your emerging future self.

Let’s face it: no one wants to be the only adult in the room.

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