The Drama Triangle
In 2005 I needed life-saving surgery. After six days of tremendous pain, significant weight loss, and incorrect diagnoses, my medical team finally discovered the issue. The prognosis was scary, the next steps were going to be challenging, and I would need months to heal, but I was relieved.
Naming the issue meant we were solving the right problem. No longer would I depend on short-term Band-Aids because we were going to address the root cause. Correctly naming an issue matters.
Over the past few months, I have been reminded of this truth while sharing some new content with my clients. The reactions have been, “Ohhhhhh! THAT is what we are dealing with!” I have witnessed moments of transformation by simply talking about the Drama Triangle.
This term was first coined by Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in the 1960’s. It was a way to name the dysfunctional roles that people often play in unhealthy conflict.
He believes there are three roles: a victim, an oppressor, and a hero. I noticed this clearly shows up in college athletics. As a result, I designed a new process – Team Ready – to teach this framework to college athletes and coaches.
However, I have now expanded the audience as I share this concept with high school athletic departments, educators, non-profit organizations, as well as my corporate clients. Karpman’s work truly is universal.
Let’s use a college sports team as a way to unpack the Drama Triangle.
I was working with a successful Women’s Basketball team. Any student-athlete who joins this team is certainly one of the most talented players in the country. One player, early in her freshman season, was struggling with her roles and responsibilities. There was no doubt she had a very bright future, but she also had to learn a new system and style of play.
Her coaches expected her to be ready to play and to know the scouting report, but there was no guarantee that she would get any minutes off the bench.
This player had all the potential for future success. However, at this time, she was not a starter, and this was a new experience for her. I could see that her identity as a person was connected to her playing time. If she wasn’t a starter what did that say about her worth?
Unfortunately, this player was not yet mature enough to name the actual problem. She felt she was a victim because her coaches were not giving her the playing time she believed she deserved.
Karpman’s framework states that you can’t be a victim if you don’t have an oppressor. This player viewed her coaches as her oppressors. He also says every victim needs a hero, so when she reached out to her parents for help, she set the Drama Triangle into motion.
But let’s pause here. What is interesting about this model is the victim isn’t actually a victim. Instead, this is a role someone plays or an identity they embraced. This concept would not apply to domestic violence or a hit-and-run. In those cases, there is a victim and an oppressor. However, in the Drama Triangle, the victim and the hero are simply playing roles while the oppressor is forced to defend labels such as aggressive, authoritarian, critical, rigid, or controlling.
With this example, the student-athlete was playing the role of the victim and she became dependent on her parents – the heroes – to rescue her. What this player needed was to develop a healthy relationship with her coaches so they could talk about her playing time. This became impossible for two reasons:
She was dependent on her heroes to communicate on her behalf.
By naming her coaches as the oppressors it became very difficult to develop a healthy relationship with them. Oppressors naturally feel defensive about the labels they have been assigned
Another aspect of the Drama Triangle that is interesting is that things don’t actually get better. The hero often feels compelled – even guilty if they don’t step in – but the real problem is never addressed so they aren’t really helping. Healthy conflict resolution requires us to name the problem as the problem, not a person as an oppressor.
This young player’s identity was connected to her playing time. However, she believed her coaches were the problem. The truth is, the coaching staff could have been fired, a new staff could have been hired, and this player still would have come off the bench because she has a lot to learn. The real problem – her identity – was never addressed.
I now see Drama Triangles everywhere and I have found myself wrestling with why we gravitate to such an unhealthy model. I am learning that dividing the tension between three parties instead of two, leaves less tension for any one person to hold. The more people who get involved, the less of a burden individuals have to bear.
So, what should we do when we recognize that we are a part of a Drama Triangle? My advice is to dismantle the three-legged stool. A Drama Triangle – much like a stool – can’t stand with only two legs. This model requires participants in all three roles. It begins when someone takes on the role of a victim and then recruits others to join the conflict. One of the best things we can do is notice when we are playing the hero role – which often feels very good – and choose to step out of that role. This allows the victim and the oppressor to resolve their issues. This doesn’t mean we can’t be a support system, we can. However, we should support the “victim” rather than support an unhealthy system.
Now let me remind you, in a Drama Triangle there isn’t a victim, an oppressor, or an actual hero. These are roles people are playing or labels they are wearing. I would never suggest that a victim of domestic violence sit down with their oppressor and try to work things out. Remember, in a Drama Triangle, individuals are embracing personas.
I want to encourage you to think about how this concept is showing up in your relationships: on your teams, on committees, at work, and at home.
For me, diagnosing my medical issue was difficult, but in doing so we created a path forward. My doctors stopped prescribing pain pills which numbed the problem, and we moved our attention to the cause.
Naming the issue matters. Once you establish that you are in a Drama Triangle you can choose to move forward in a healthier way.
Stop using a quick fix and work to get to the root cause of conflict in your relationships.
If you would like to learn more about how I am using the Drama Triangle with my clients, please reach out.
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