Team Building is Relationship Building

As I walked into the room a smile came over my face. I was thrilled with the space we were going to be working in that day. There was a lot of natural light, bright colors on the walls, and all the furniture was on rollers which meant we could design and redesign the room as the day unfolded. 

This was a new corporate group for me. My contact had communicated that they were ready to do the hard work of being better individuals and coming together as a team. As people began to fill the room, their energy seemed to match what my contact had shared with me—that is, until Jean walked into the room. 

I noticed that her colleagues were very intentional about welcoming her. When we finally made eye contact, she said with a deadpan face, “I am not doing a trust fall.” I replied, “Me neither.” Her face didn’t move a muscle as she said, “You can’t make me do a trust fall.” And I replied, “I have no intention of making you do anything today.”

Before our session began my contact pulled me aside to share that Jean had a negative experience with a previous team building event and it took a lot of encouragement to get her to attend on this day. I thanked my contact for the backstory, and then I proceeded like I would with any other group. I began by sharing a little of my background, then the outline for our session, and lastly, I talked about the idea that they were free to choose their own level of engagement. I invited them to participate in the activities and in the debrief process in the ways that felt comfortable to them. 

Three hours later the session had flown by with some very deep insights from the group. Jean, while she was cautious at first, did find ways to participate and the group certainly benefited from her presence. As I collected my belongings, she grabbed my arm and said, “I’m glad I came, thank you.” 

The resistance that Jean felt is not new to me. This is a common theme among groups, but I find it very interesting to watch how this plays out over multiple sessions. Much like Jean’s group, we often start light-hearted and most introductory sessions seem to naturally focus on one part of the “Feelings Wheel.” It’s the section that contains words like joy, laughter, success, and thankfulness. However, over time, as we continue to meet, individuals start to pull back layers and we begin to unpack and do the real work of the group. It is at this point that I start to hear side comments like, “I’ve been vulnerable, and you’ve been vulnerable; in fact, everyone has been vulnerable except for her! Why can’t she just be vulnerable?”

Vulnerability is not a word I use very often. It isn’t the goal of my work, but I tend to sense that groups believe that vulnerability is something that an individual does for the team. But what if we have this backwards? What if vulnerability is something a team does for an individual?

There are groups with whom I have worked for many months who have individuals who have never shared during our debrief process. This is not offensive to me. I know that being present is a form of participation. We need people who will hold the space while giving witness to what is happening. We need observers who will listen deeply. Without individuals who are committed to listening, we run the risk of doing harm by inviting people to share their stories without providing the context for them to truly be heard. The goal isn’t to get everyone to speak equally; the goal is to create a container that is strong enough to hold what is both spoken and unspoken, and there is no timeline for this process.

Vulnerability shows up in a variety of ways: for example, in a leader who invites a consultant into a team or an individual who shares rooms of her life to which others rarely gain access. But most of the time it comes in the form of a group that chooses to show up, to stay, and to wait. There are wounds that happen in community which can only be healed in community, and there is vulnerability when that community decides to show up. By gathering in this way, we become medicine for each other.

In a healthy culture, the team will gather for an individual. They show up to be present for their teammate. They embrace vulnerability as something the team does for an individual, not the other way around. The reality is that psychological safety looks different for everyone, impression management is real, and this deep inter and intrapersonal work requires resiliency. As a community we have to be in it for the long-haul.

Deep down some people may resent the boundaries of others and therefore have a desire to push someone into vulnerability. Let me be clear: pushing through someone’s boundaries is not forcing vulnerability; it is abuse, and it is unnecessary.

What if vulnerability isn’t about climbing a ladder, turning away from your team, and falling backwards while hoping this is the one time that they will come through for you? What if vulnerability means we show up daily, face to face, present and ready to offer a hand every time someone needs to be picked up?

Team building is relationship building. This process is always an invitation and never an expectation.

The vulnerability is in the showing up, the staying, and the waiting. 

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