My One-Star Review

Writing has never been easy for me, but I choose to do it because it forces me to articulate my thoughts. As an introverted thinker, it would be very easy for me to observe and experience the world in a way that is never fully shared with others. The commitment to sharing my insights helps me to organize and clarify my thoughts.

About a year ago, I hit publish on a blog post that had been difficult for me to write. In full disclosure, I don’t remember which post it was, I just remember that this one seemed like an extra steep uphill climb from the outline stage to the post being public.

As is my practice, this blog went out to my mailing list on a Wednesday, and the next day I woke up to an email about the post. It read something like this:

“Normally I enjoy your posts, but this one was just a big disappointment.”

Good morning and happy Thursday to you too, Ryan. 

Did those words hurt? Yes, briefly.

Here is where it gets interesting. I don’t know Ryan, we’ve never met, to my knowledge we’ve never been in the same room or in the same city for that matter. There was a time in my life when his words would have been debilitating, but I am in a place in my own journey where I was able to move on quickly.

I have learned that resistance, tension, and frustration often show up in our lives when we are trying to force something to work that wasn’t meant for us. In other words, people complain, or share their one-star reviews, when they don’t like something, but sometimes that “something” wasn’t for them to begin with.

For example, this may come as earth-shattering news to many of you, I don’t like coffee, it just isn’t for me. In my travels, hosts often offer me coffee and when I share that I don’t drink coffee they usually respond by saying, “but this is locally roasted, and EVERYONE LOVES IT!” Everyone except for me. I could complain about the taste of the coffee, but the fact is coffee just isn’t for me so please, don’t pay any attention to my opinion on your beloved coffee. If a coffee aficionado has an insight please listen to her, not me. My opinion on something that I don’t like, and never will like, shouldn’t slow you down.

But let’s unpack the words, “for you.” There are two very different ways to think about this phrase. The first aligns with the coffee example, coffee isn’t for me. However, the second application is to ask if someone is cheering for you, rooting for you, are they in your corner fighting for you, are they “for you?”

Here’s a personal example, I highly respect Rob Bell’s communication style. A few years ago, I attend one of Rob’s workshops, and months later I did some one-on-one work with him. His feedback on my writing was honest, very helpful, and it led to a lot of growth for me. The difference between Rob’s feedback and Ryan’s one-star review was that Rob was clearly “for me” and Ryan wasn’t. Rob wanted me to succeed and that came through in all his communication with me while Ryan just wanted to vent. Rob’s words led to acceleration while Ryan’s words shut me down.

And this is how I now react to difficult or unhappy people, the kind who leave cutting one-star reviews, I ask myself, “are they for me?”

Maybe the fear of a one-star review is limiting you. If so, I want to remind you that feedback and one-star reviews are not the same things. I am very open to feedback from those who are for me, but I have little time for the one-star reviews from those who are trying to slow me down.

Listen to those who love what you are about, those who are for you, not random Ryan’s who are evaluating something that wasn’t for them to begin with and aren’t the kind of people who are in your corner fighting for you. When you choose to lead - your life, your work, and others - Ryan’s who aren’t for you will likely come out of the woodwork because seeing others lead their lives is uncomfortable for them and they would rather hold you back.

And lastly, please know that I am for you. I am for the difference makers, the disrupters, the leaders, those who speak truth to power, the change-makers, the visionaries, those on the margins, and the doers. These are my people.

Please reach out if there are ways that I can show up and truly be for you.

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