Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Nearly four years ago, I sat on the end of a bed in a dated hotel room, eating Chinese takeout from a Styrofoam container with a ridiculously small plastic spoon, while drinking a bottle of room temperature water. With each bite I took, I was confronted with my own reflection in the mirror which was perfectly placed on the wall directly across from the bed.
Just a few hours early I had given the worst presentation of my life. I had failed on every level. I was feeling incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. All I wanted to do was get on an airplane, go home, crawl in bed, and try to forget that this day had ever happened. However, a storm was brewing in the Midwest and my flight had been canceled which meant I had to spend the night stuck in a lifeless hotel room facing my failure rather than running away from it.
In this moment of despair, I found myself grateful for two things:
1. I didn’t have a co-facilitator for this event and
2. The 1990’s hotel mirror.
Let me explain.
I am certain that if a co-facilitator had been with me, they likely would have tried to lessen the blow and point out all the ways my client had actually failed me. Yes, they were dishonest about how many people would be in attendance which rendered my group activities next to useless. I was also told that the audience would be primarily college coaches but upon arrival, I discovered it was mostly athletic administrators and my content quickly became irrelevant. On top of that, they moved my call time and didn’t tell me I would be speaking right after the Athletic Director announced that all team and department budgets were being significantly cut for the upcoming school year. It would have been very easy for someone to try and take the blame off me and redirect it toward my client, but I needed to own this moment.
The truth is, I was grossly underprepared for this event. In fact, if they hadn’t paid the invoice I never would have asked about the payment. I didn’t deserve to be paid for that event. While commiserating over my takeout, I wrestled with the fact that I had dropped the ball. I let myself and my client down and I committed to never doing that again.
That hotel mirror forced me to look at myself without anyone else distorting what was being reflected back to me. Lately, I have found myself saying that transformation is on the other side of truth. When we see ourselves for who we really are we create a portal to personal growth. If I want transformation, then I must be open to the truth.
In Disney’s first animated feature film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the jealous Queen stands before the Magic Mirror and asks, “who is the fairest of them all?” In this iconic scene, we watch the Queen’s anger build as the mirror replies that Snow White is the fairest of them. Looking in the mirror and not seeing what you want to see is painful. Much like the Queen, on that night, I did not like what was reflected back to me, but it was the truth that I needed to face.
In my work, we often talk about the value of holding up mirrors for each other, but when I share this concept, I am frequently met with the following response, “Yes, but we need to do it nicely.” I am not sure I agree.
If nice means we distort someone’s image by adding rabbit ears or a puppy dog nose, include a filter that makes them look physically flawless, insert a background with someone on the top of Mount Everest when they are actually sitting on the couch in sweatpants eating Cheetos, then no, let’s avoid this behavior. There is nothing nice about lying to people about who they are.
Instead, maybe we should aim for being kind. To me, an authentic mirror image, an unaltered reflection, is one of the kindest, most selfless gifts we can give. There are too few spaces in our lives where we get to see ourselves for who we really are. We live in a culture that tells us that distortion will soften the blow when in reality this is a lie that limits the growth of those around us. Reflecting back to people who they are allows them to understand how others experience them. As a result, we are inviting those we are leading, loving, and doing with life to fully see themselves for potentially the very first time. What a gift to give.
I once heard Ian Cron share a question that models this mirror-holding concept. He said, “What do you know about me, that I don’t know about me, that I need to know about me?” Sharing an undistorted answer to this question with those we care for is the art of living compassionately.
I hope you desire to be the kind of leader, friend, or co-worker who is willing to hold up a mirror so that others can see themselves for who they are.
We don’t need magic mirrors; we just need access to undistorted truth. The magic is in the truth we tell.
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