The Other Side of the Fence

When I hear someone say that language is the most powerful path for human connection, I cringe. I have a visceral reaction to those words.

For that statement to be true, two people must speak the same language. An English speaker and a Portuguese speaker are going to face some challenges in connecting through language. If two people do speak the same language, but one has the language skills of a child and the other holds a Ph.D. in linguistics, additional barriers would be in the way.

 I don’t believe language is what most connects us, instead I believe in shared experiences. As a result, my team-building work is rooted in creating those experiences. I believe this approach sets the table for a deep connection because it allows us to see what someone else is experiencing. This process helps us to realize that a group can experience something together while also experiencing it differently.

The other night I was watching a documentary called Found. The film featured three teenage girls who live in different cities across the United States. As toddlers, they were each adopted from China, and prior to filming, they did not know each other. In hopes of connecting with their biological parents, the girls independently completed DNA tests. To their surprise – through the tests – they discover they were cousins. The film began with the girls meeting online and it ended with them traveling to China together to learn more about their shared upbringing.

They arrived in their birth country with a desire to discover their biological parents. They also took tours, visited the orphanages that they lived in, and met the nannies who had cared for them until they were adopted. As the film progressed, we were introduced to eager couples who had completed DNA tests with the hope of connecting with the daughters they had put up for adoption. Sadly, none of the couples were a match for any of the girls.

However, there is a wonderful moment of connection near the end of the film. The girls were in a van with Liu Hao – their local host – who had been trying to locate their birth parents. As they were driving, Liu shared that they were near the village of one of the families who had submitted their DNA. She wanted to stop and tell this family that they were not a biological match. She knew this was going to be painful for them to hear and she wanted to deliver the news face-to-face.

While they were still in the van, Liu turned to the girl who had hoped to match with this family. The host asked if she still wanted to meet them even though they were not biologically related. This question is met with what felt like an eternity of silence; the teenage girl isn’t sure how to respond.

But then, one of the other girls intervenes. She took her new friend’s hand and said, “think of it like this, we have an opportunity to meet a family who has experienced the other side of our stories.”

A teenager who was filled with disappointment after traveling to the other side of the globe and not being able to find her birth parents was able to understand the power of shared experiences. If a teenager can understand this, adults can too.

Our stories often include fences; on one side is our experience and on the other side is someone who has experienced the same moment differently. There is tremendous power in creating space and listening to someone who is standing on the other side of the fence.

However, it takes a certain degree of emotional intelligence and maturity for a leader to allow shared experiences to be a part of their team or organization.

Shared experiences may feel risky for many leaders because they have no control over what will surface. Team-building that is rooted in shared experiences opens the door for contrasting experiences to coexist. Failing to allow space for this limits the growth of individuals and slows down the success of the group. Transformation is possible when we consider what is happening on the other side of the fence.

The power in shared experiences allows room for one person to experience the feeling of success while another person experiences the feeling of failure, for one individual to experience being heard while someone else feels left out, for one person to experience the joy of overcoming adversity while another has feelings of frustration. These contrasting experiences should be present in team building because they coexist in teams and organizations every single day.

Healthy people, much like the teenagers featured in Found, welcome the opportunity to connect with people who have experienced a different side of their story. Time and again, this is where I witness the most powerful moments of human connection.

Who is standing on the other side of the fence?

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